Getting My Shit Together

I hate New Years resolutions. They’re stupid and they don’t mean anything.

I’ve spent a year of my life… running from my life. J and I broke up last year on New Year’s Eve. I left at the end of February. And since then I haven’t had much of a home or a life. I bounced around a bit and then went to Coeur d’Alene and stayed. Now I’m in Portland, Oregon where I am starting again. I haven’t found a place yet but I know the one I want and I’m going from there.

I’m more determined to be the person I want to be than I ever have been before. This comes in both mental and physical forms. I want to be strong and I want to be happy and I am going to work my ass off to get there.

The first step was getting away for long enough that I could think straight again.

The second step is to start working on feeling physically strong. Losing weight is part of that, but that really isn’t what it is about for me. I want to feel stronger. I want everything that comes with that.

That being said, I fucking hate weight loss stories where the person is all “I did so good, here are my before and after shots!”… but have no details. So here are some details.

I am 32 years old. I weigh 269 lbs as of this morning. That’s a size XL Old Navy’s woman’s t-shirt or a size L men’s. 38DDD bra. A size 18 or 20 jeans. Also usually from Old Navy. I shop at Old Navy a lot. It’s anywhere from a 16 to a 20 dress size.

I’m pretty proportional. I’m one of those girls who gets bigger all over. Emphasis on thighs, hips and ass.

So that’s where I’m starting. My goal is 100 lbs. I know I should probably break that up into smaller chunks, but the truth is I don’t actually care if I lose that much provided I end up feeling stronger and better about myself.

Initially I am going to try to be good about what I eat for the most part and try to exercise for 30 minutes a day. I want to work on building initial strength before I try to do too much so I won’t end up feeling sore and using that and an excuse not to go to the gym.

That’s that for now. Writing in this fucking thing – mostly to make myself write – is also on the list. So we’ll see how that goes.

– M

Poem from 7/2008

who is she and what does she want?
this girl with the flat iron eyes
depth drifting in the glint of polish

i saw you before you met me
across a room, across the earth

my skies don’t blue the way they used to

he will love you and he will never
never look back at me again

i feel the same way

slide past the melancholy of my anger
a whisper told volumes to the boy
desperate to be a man, my mistake

he uses love as a plaything
joy and radiance and convenience

when you touch me i remember who i am